James Comey Don’t Give a Shit

Many of you will have seen the viral video, “The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger.” If not (or if you need a refresher) watch it now:

Many of you will have also followed the news. Anyway, thanks to Dan of Xark for the script on which the following is based. This post is dedicated to Benjamin Wittes of Lawfare.

James Comey Don’t Give a Shit

This is the James Comey. Watch it run in slow motion.

It’s pretty badass. Look. It runs all over the place. “Whoa! Watch out!” says that Republican. Eew, it’s got a Democrat! Oh! It’s chasing a Republican! Oh my gosh!

Oh, the James Comey is just crazy!

The James Comey has been referred to by Benjamin Wittes as “the only truly subtextless man I’ve met working in senior levels of government in Washington.” It really doesn’t give a shit. If it’s hungry, it’s hungry.

Eew! What’s that in its mouth? Oh, it’s got an illegal NSA program? Oh, it runs backwards? Now watch this: look, a Gonzales is heading to the hospital to get a mentally compromised Ashcroft to approve an illegal NSA program. James Comey don’t care. It just does what it thinks is right. Whenever it thinks something is right it just — Eew, and it eats Andrew Card… Watch it dig graves for all partisan politicians! Look at that digging.

The James Comey is really pretty badass. it has no regard for any politician whatsoever. Look at it, it’s just doing his job, and eating politicians. Eew! What’s that? Jared Kushner? Oh that’s nasty. It’s so nasty. Oh look the James Comey is chasing things and devouring them with its pure credibility.

James Comeys have a fairly long body, but a distinctly thickset broad shoulders, and, you know, their loyalty is only to what they think is right, allowing them to move about freely, and they twist around.

Now look: Here’s a House Intelligence Committee full of politicians. Do you think the James Comey cares? It doesn’t give a shit, it goes right into the House Intelligence Committee to get some fresh meat. How disgusting is that? It eats congressmen for breakfast. Eew, that’s so nasty.

But look! The James Comey doesn’t care! It’s getting stung like a thousand times. It doesn’t give a shit. It’s just hungry. It doesn’t care about being stung by politicians. Nothing can stop the James Comey when it’s hungry. What a crazy fuck! Look, it’s eating the Trump Administration, that’s disgusting.

It’s testifying again. See?

Now, what’s interesting is that other humans like these politicians here (and here), they just wait around until the James Comey is done eating, and then swoop in to pick up the scraps. They say, “You do all the work for us, James Comey, and we’ll just eat whatever you find, how’s that? What’daya say, stupid?”

Look at this politician: “Thanks for the treat, stupid!”

“Hey, come back here,” says the James Comey.

Politicians don’t care, and you know what? The journalists do it too. Look at these little hacks. They’re like “Thanks stupid! Thanks for the truth! See you later.” Then James Comey does all the work and all these other humans just pick up the scraps.

At nighttime the James Comey goes hunting, because it’s hungry. Look! Here comes a fierce battle between a President Trump and a James Comey. I wonder what will happen?

Look at this, there’s the James Comey just eating politicians, and then look, “Get away from me!” says the President Trump, “Get away from me!” James Comey don’t care. James Comey smacks the shit out of it. And the President Trump comes back and it lashes at the James Comey.

Oh, little does the James Comey know, FYI: it’s been stung! It’s been bitten by the President Trump, so while it’s eating the politicians – eew, that’s disgusting – all the poisonous venom is seeping through the James Comey’s body, and it passes out. Look at that sleepy fuck.

Now the James Comey is going to pass out for a few minutes, and then it’s going to get right back up and start eating all over again, because it’s a credible little bastard.

Look at this! Like nothing happened! The James Comey gets right back up and continues eating the politicians.

How disgusting.

And of course, what does the James Comey have to eat for the next two weeks?

President Trump.

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